


i was on the verge of breaking down (then you came around)

by jbhmalum



Series: new year!sos [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Like. very much so. someone is on the brink of attempting to kill themselves, M/M, Sort of? - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, huhhh what else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum
Summary: The year is about to end, and Luke is drowning in all the nothing, in all the silence, the pull of the darkness too appealing to fight against. Ashton is here to help him see maybe it's worth swimming back to the surface and see the light of another year.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Series: new year!sos [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084394
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	i was on the verge of breaking down (then you came around)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
> I'm so very sorry about this, i said i can't not hurt lashton and it turns out that's the case. but, the idea of writing an angsty lashton and a happy malum fic to end the year was very appealing to me!!  
>  **TW FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS** like big time (also no that part is Not projection nobody worries)  
> Anyway, yeah. i just finished this an hour before the year ends for me, so i'm very sorry if there are any typos left!  
> (also would love feedback, if you can. if you want. i would certainly love it)
> 
> Title from 'Slip the noose' by The Maine
> 
> Anyway, last year thank yous on the note of the next fic ;)
> 
> Aaaand, enjoy, i guess? as much as you can? xx

When the year started, this is not how Luke thought he would end it.

Maybe he should have, though.

He’s been ignoring all of everyone’s calls and messages for the past two days. He knows it’s not fair of him. He knows his family must be incredibly scared, wondering what’s wrong. He knows his friends must be confused. He also knows Ashton must have only been growing more and more worried instead of enjoying his much deserved time with his own family on the other side of the world. Luke knows he’s being selfish, that he’s causing pain around him instead of keeping it all aimed towards himself, but he can’t help it.

He’s too far gone to do anything about it.

The bathtub has been his best friend for those two days, but right now it’s truly starting to hurt his back. His limbs feel numb but somehow also incredibly stiff from staying still for so long. The knot in his empty stomach is pulling on his insides, pulling and pulling and making Luke shrink in on himself. It feels like if it were to pull any harder, Luke would disappear into himself, disappear from sight.

He’s not sure he wants to do anything about that, either.

(That’s a lie. Luke _knows_ he doesn’t want to.)

The clock above the door tells him Michael and Calum are waiting for him. Have been waiting for a few hours, probably, but he’s not really sure when exactly he was supposed to show up. Maybe he was supposed to pick up Ashton from the airport on the way there. Maybe. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Since he got home from Christmas at his parents’ a week ago — where he last saw Ashton, last tasted his sweet lips — his brain hasn’t been able to remember anything of import, too busy screaming at him in wordless sounds.

Luke has been letting it, because it’s familiar. The constant stream of unbearable noise that Luke knows is only trying to make him crumble, to make him succumb to it and get used to it until it takes it all away, leaving him with nothing but the deafening silence of his own thoughts.

That’s where he’s at, right now, because he was too weak not to crumble. Where he’s been for the past two days. Drowning in all the nothing, in all the silence, the pull of the darkness too appealing to fight against it. Luke knows it’s weak of him. That he’s just letting himself go in the hope that if he gets deep enough he’ll stop breathing and infinite sleep will blissfully greet him, let him rest.

But he can’t do anything about it. He’s not strong enough, and he’s tired. Tired of this life, of being himself. Of being someone. He hasn’t felt like a proper person all year, his favourite thing to do in the world stripped away from him. He feels awfully selfish, because he knows he has it better than most people, but his brain has never made sense. 

And he misses Ashton but he doesn’t want him to see him like this. Luke knows he’s probably not gonna make it to the next year, because if neither the dehydration nor the loneliness take him out in the next hour, then he’s gonna do something about it before the clock hits twelve a.m.. How, he doesn’t know, he’s not actively thought about it before, but he’s going to have to think of something fast and do it, and he doesn’t want Ashton’s last memory of Luke to be _this._ Drenched in sweat, drowned in tears and snot, and looking like an unsalvageable wreck.

Luke stares blankly at the clock above the closed door as time passes, wonders if the hands are moving too fast or too slow, if they’re just taunting him with the time he’s never going to get back and the time he’s never going to witness. Luke has never been able to grasp the concept of time, anyway. He’s not going to get it now, on the brink of fading away.

 _Fading away._ That sounds peaceful, Luke muses. Easy. He longs for it, and it’s so close, he can feel it.

He stares, his vision getting woozy, his body starting to shake; maybe in fear, mabe from lack of food, maybe from the cold of this lonely house. He hasn’t put the heater back on since he came back home, hasn’t bothered to.

From habit he takes his phone in his hand, but he already knows it’s dead. He lets out an ugly snort, the sound loud in the empty room, but there’s nothing funny here. He’s never felt so dead inside as he does right now. It’s as if he’s already gone.

Unsurprisingly, his mind wanders to Ashton again. He hopes he’s having fun with Michael and Calum. That they’re not leaving him to the side just because they’re oh so in love — they’re probably not; they’re too good people to do that. Ashton deserves love from his friends. Luke loves him, too, but he doesn’t believe Ashton deserves Luke’s ugly idea of love. Doesn’t want it to taint him.

“Luke,” Ashton’s voice says, muffled, as Luke closes his eyes, letting out a small smile. He loves Ashton’s voice, and if he’s going to go soon, he’s glad it’s with the memory of it at the forefront of his mind. He wishes he could hear Ashton sing one last time, just once, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“Luke,” the voice says again, more frantically and louder, closer to him. Luke frowns, confused. “Luke, where are you?”

It’s definitely clearer this time, but before Luke has time to think about why the door to the bathroom opens too fast, slamming against the wall, and Luke would have jumped if his body had been able to. As it is he barely opens his heavy eyes to the one person he didn’t want to see, frozen in the doorway with a hurt look on his face.

“Oh god,” Ashton says, strangled.

He’s pretty, Luke thinks, fleetingly. He’s still dressed in comfy clothes, probably his airport ones; black joggers and black hoodie. His cheeks are tinted red from the cold, the hazel of his eyes clear. He’s pretty, but he looks terrified, and Luke knows exactly who’s fault that is.

Luke can’t help himself then; a sob escapes his throat, and he drops his phone in the bathtub with a loud bang in favor of hiding his crying face behind his hands. He can feel his whole body coming back to life suddenly, pain flowing from his cold bare feet to the back of his neck, coiling around his heart on the way there as he cries, and cries, and cries, and doesn’t stop, not even when he feels Ashton’s warmth next to him, his big comforting hand on his shoulder.

If anything, the tears flow faster.

“Luke, my love.” The desperation in Ashton’s voice is doing nothing to appease Luke. It just tears at what remains of his heart, makes it bleed anywhere but towards his veins. “Please look at me, I’m so sorry.”

Ashton doesn’t have anything to be sorry for, because he’s not responsible for Luke’s broken self, he’s not responsible for Luke wanting to end it all, but Luke can’t tell him. He’s too busy trying to reconcile the fact that Ashton is here, rubbing Luke’s shoulder and freaking out next to him and ruining his plans of leaving this world quietly and alone.

And so Luke cries, and Ashton tries to sooth him pointlessly, and Luke is starting to feel his stomach again and Ashton is asking him to show him his face and get out of the bathtub. Luke doesn’t want to. He can’t. He doesn’t even think he could move his own body if he tried.

Before he knows it the hand leaves his shoulder, and the warmth Luke hadn’t even realized was there with it. Luke frowns, thinking that’s it, _Ashton has seen him at his lowest and now he’s leaving,_ and that’s worse than him not showing up. That’s why Luke didn’t want him to show up.

Now Luke is going to die and the last thing he’ll remember is Ashton leaving him all alone because Luke isn’t worth it. Not that Luke didn’t know that already, but having it be confirmed is the worst pain he’s felt this far.

“Come on Luke, help me out here, you’re not the lightest of weights,” Ashton says with a shaky voice, still close to him. He’s trying to get Luke to sit up, which hurts, but Luke lifts himself up a little bit, just relieved that Ashton is still here. “There you go.”

There’s weight behind Luke now, and then legs are bracketing his hips and he’s being pulled back into the safest arms he’s ever known, Ashton’s chest solid and grounding against his back. Luke can feel his heart beating erratically against him, which is probably his own fault, but he tries not to focus on it.

Ashton shushes him as he rubs Luke’s sticky skin under his shirt with the back of his knuckles, leaves fluttering kisses to his greasy hair, whispers promises of _you’re okay_ and _I’m here._ Luke doesn’t know what to do with this.

This goes against everything he’s been building up to. This isn’t nothing. This isn’t anger. This isn’t pain. This is something close to hope, the light oh so fleeting at the surface. It’s calling to him, telling him to just swim back up to Ashton.

It’s tempting. The light hasn’t been tempting for a long time, but right now it feels like something he needs to grasp onto and Ashton is crying against his ear and it’s not what Luke wants. He knows that him swimming to the surface will drown the despair that’s taken over his boyfriend, but Luke isn’t sure he has the strength to do it. Everything is telling him he’s too deep, the shackles of the darkness already anchoring him there.

“Luke.”

Maybe the best thing to do is to let go. If he uses all the strength he has left to swim back up, he’s not sure anyone will like the wreck that comes out.

“Luke, talk to me.”

Ashton will be able to move on, after he’s cried all of his tears. The world will move on faster. Luke just needs to let himself go. It's getting easier by the second. 

“ _Please,_ you’re scaring me.”

He can feel Ashton shaking his shoulders slightly, his tears hitting the nape of Luke’s neck, but Luke doesn’t know how to reach any of that. He can feel himself slipping through Ashton’s fingers, falling to sleep. How permanent it will be, he has no idea yet.

“I love you. Please stay with me, I love you.” 

Ashton repeats those same words, voice barely a harsh whisper, over and over like a mantra into Luke’s ear, and this. This is what does it. It’s crazy, the power some people’s love have over you. It’s crazy, and it’s unfair, but Luke isn’t any more immune to this than anyone else.

Without his notice Luke’s hands fly to Ashton’s around him, giving them a slight squeeze that has Ashton letting out a relieved sob before he squeezes Luke’s hands tighter in return. It’s a bit too tight, and Luke’s bones are probably protesting even though he can’t really feel them, but it’s grounding; a solid thing to hold on to, pulling Luke up when he can't do it himself.

For the next few minutes Ashton holds Luke, close, keeping the pieces together before they're too far apart to mend. It hurts; Luke has been dissociating for days, his mind so far from himself, and now everything is coming back at once, and it's too much.

It hits him, suddenly, what he was about to do. It comes crashing against him, sudden and scary, the water overflowing until it has to escape again somehow.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," he sobs, turning so his face is hidden against Ashton's collarbone. He throws his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders, clinging to him lest he falls back into the darkness. 

"It's okay," Ashton says back tightly, his own arms curling around Luke's middle. "It's okay darling just, don't go. I'm begging you, stay with me."

Luke doesn't say anything, doesn't utter a promise he's not sure he completely wants to keep. Ashton would see right through the lies said just to appease him, and it wouldn't do any good.

And so Ashton just whispers sweet words, _you're okays_ and _i love yous,_ as they both cry against each other, holding on, because they've always been each other's lifelines. Luke had just forgotten along the way. 

Time passes, in a cloud of tears and a pool of breaths, both of their heartbeats in tune with each other once they've both calmed down slightly. It all escapes Luke, the only thing he's able to focus on the Ashton warmth enveloping him. 

"Hey Luke?" Ashton whispers suddenly after a hiccup.

"What?" Luke croaks out. He sounds awful.

"Look at the clock." Luke shakes his head no; he doesn't want to let go. Ashton sniffs, lets out a broken laugh. "You've made it baby. You've made it with me" 

Luke frowns into Ashton's neck, lifts his head so he can look into his wet hazel orbs. "What?"

Ashton's smile is relieved as he dries Luke's tears with his thumbs. "Happy new year, love."

"Oh."

Luke hadn't thought he'd hear these words. He doesn't know how he feels about them, but if they had to be said to him, he's glad it's by Ashton.

With the most honest smile he can muster up, he leans over to kiss Ashton's lips, merely a brush of his dry lips against his boyfriend's. He doesn't say the words back, but he knows they don' t need to be said from him. He just hides his face back into Ashton's neck, prompting him to wrap his arms around him once again. 

If he has to be alive, then the least he can ask for is to feel safe. Thankfully, it might be the thing Ashton is the best at when it comes to him.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!  
> comments/kudos are always appreciated :)  
> also i'm on [tumblr](https://michaelownsmyheart.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi!


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